Framework

In order to avoid being arbitrary and without credibility in our reviews I've established a rating system to categorize each movie X and I see/review. The rating will always be at the beginning of the review in bold, capital letters so people who don't have time or don't want to bother with the review itself can have a quick though incomplete snapshot of our thoughts...

As of now there are four different ratings we will assign to each movie. The names of the categories are subject to change whenever we can come up with something more clever, but the analysis/reasoning behind them should stay pretty much the same. One thing I tried to do is get away from the vague 4 or 5 star system that conventional critics use. What exactly does it mean for a movie to get 3 stars? What's the difference between a 3 and a 4 star movie, what about a 3.5 star movie? How does the rounding work? That's why I tried to be broader in choosing each category and more specific in defining what fits into each. I hope I will be successful.

I really liked Spill.com system, and would have stolen it wholesale, but I wanted to be at least a little original. Also it felt somewhat hypocritical to tell people how much they should pay for a movie when most of the time I download movies for free. So instead I tried to adopt the concept to to the different ways we use to access movies. That didn't work out either though since it turned out to be terribly confusing, not to mention illegal, to tell people to download movies or sneak into multiple showings. So in the end, I decided that the reviews don't need to serve any advisory function, at least not directly telling people if and how they should watch a particular movie. So the reviews will be assuming that this is many years later, when we're old and nostalgic, and we're going through our DVD collection (that we paid for legally, stay away MPAA) and trying to rearrange them on our shelves according to how much we liked them.

Here are the ratings, happy to take comments or suggestions. I actually have some questions and reservations about them myself but I won't bother unless someone posts their thoughts.

CONTENDER --> MUST SEE
These are best of the best. Oh wait, I promised not to be vague. It's harder than I imagined to be specific, but also general enough to have it be useful in applying to different movies.

First and foremost, a movie should be entertaining and captivate a viewer's attention throughout. Call me a peasant if you want, but I don't give a crap about art if it's boring.

The movie must include a compelling and believable (within the context of the movie itself) story that draws the viewer into the action and enable one to feel emotionally invested in it. You don't have to feel exactly what the characters feel but you should feel something (anything!), and at least be able to empathize with them. I'm no expert on acting so I won't critique individual actors (unless it's extremely obvious). I'll write more about story versus characters in future.

Besides an involving story the film should have a deeper social message, or intent to reveal something deeper about people and humanity. Sure movies are entertainment, but that shouldn't prevent them from observing and examining society and how people behave towards one another. Ultimately, in order for a movie to standout and be memorable beyond a couple of weeks, it needs to provoke deep reflection and wider discussion long after people have left the theaters. It doesn't have to be Yankees vs. Red Sox, but should be deep enough to allow room for multiple interpretations and prompt people to take sides. It's a little hard to have a serious debate about Ninja Assassin. Finally the way the movie communicates its message should not be condescending and heavy handed.

The most prominent and well-known example of this is of course the Dark Knight. A little more surprising, completely out of the blue in fact, Contender is District 9, which is my pick for best movie of 2009. X, feel free to disagree with me.

BLOCKBUSTER --> RECOMMENDED
Pretty self-explanatory. I expect this to encompass the second largest number of movies (after the next category). Probably need to change the name because Blockbuster betrays an unintended bias towards action movies. Movies in this category are distinguished by their entertainment value and/or technical excellence. They are exceptionally fun to watch and would warrant multiple viewings (a rare thing for me, I hate re-watching movies, or redoing anything). They fall short of Contender status though, because they’re missing or deficient in one of the 3 essential criteria – story, message, execution – most likely the message part. Not much else to say except these movies makes me want to talk about how AWESOME they are, and tell everyone so we can say “oh my god that was awesome” to each other. One important thing that separates these movies from the ones below is the obvious amount of effort and care devoted to making them. This means there is at least an attempt to tell a coherent, believable story, rather than a series of random explosions and fight sequences, or gags strung together by irrelevant dialogue and sudden Powerpoint-esque fade-ins. The first Transformers movie would be a good example of a Blockbuster.

WASTE OF TIME --> MEHHH
Again pretty self-explanatory, these movies are for wasting time. Normally you probably wouldn’t or shouldn’t watch these movies. But when you’re in the doldrums and feeling totally unmotivated (aka finals time for X), these movies help you pass the time, and keep your from heavy drinking or gulping down ice cream. These movies don’t bother with plot, characters or consistency (never mind plausibility) so you shouldn’t take them seriously or you might get ulcers. They’re laughably bad, but that’s the point, you can at least laugh at the cheesy dialogue, ridiculous plot line and robotic acting. But be warned, use them only in cases of extreme boredom, I would recommend you watch porn first. Transformers 2 fits here, saved from eternal damnation only by fantastic special effects, as does the first Twilight.

SELLOUT --> AVOID AT ALL COST
Finally, we’ve come my favorite kind of movies, to rant about anyway. These movies make me angry not only because they rob me of my time and a piece of my functioning brain, but also because they remind me that hacks and bullshit people in the film industry are getting paid because there are enough stupid people out there who don’t realize they’re being conned. Ever watch a movie you know was made solely because it was a quick and cheap way to turn a profit? If you’re wondering why the actors are inexplicably giggling on cue at a lame joke you find degrading to your intelligence, it’s because they’re laughing at you for keeping their miserable careers alive so they can get a few more Us Weekly covers and pay for another trip to the plastic surgeon. These movies are utterly pointless, offensive both culturally and intellectually and worst of all BORING. They waste the talents of directors, actors, writers, janitors, people making coffee runs, anyone who gave a crap at all while tasked with making these pieces of shit. Needless to say these movies are made only for commercially reasons, and the most infuriating thing is when they succeed you can envision the studio executives wiping their asses with your hard earned money while talking with some two bit yes-man about five future sequels (SAW II – VI come to mind). These movies make me hate Hollywood, and hate people more. The only one I’ve seen this year is New Moon. It made me want to fight the fan girls sitting in the theater.